Hi, I’m the Nerd and I deal with chronic pain on a daily basis. I started writing this blog post a few weeks ago as a bit of a cathartic release and to be honest wasn’t sure about publishing it in case it was taken as a bit of a ‘oh poor me’ kind of blog post which couldn’t be further from the truth.
As the title suggests I am one of millions who deal with chronic pain on a daily basis and have found that it has had a massive impact on my sex life and relationship. Some impacts avoidable, some not.
To give you a bit of background, I dislocated my shoulder when I was a teenager and I have had 3 surgeries in the last 10 years to try stabilize it. Now at 31 I have ended up with a semi stable joint which moves of its own accord, muscles that get inflamed swell up and get trapped and last year I found put that arthritis had finally set in. All of this has meant that I am in pain most days and take a cocktail of painkillers to try keep it at bay.
What a catch eh?!
Looking back over the last 15 years I can see how all of this affected my life. My ex who I was with the majority of that time, went through all the surgeries and hospital appointments etc with me so I think we were just used to it in the most part. Unfortunately it was nearly losing my current relationship with Mr Nerd last year which opened my eyes.
You would think that if you are in pain, take painkillers and everything will be ok. No, for me the painkillers just added to the problem. Last year I was having what seems like my regular 3 year visit to the surgeon because I found that my pain had become more constant. Because of that I was taking really strong painkillers every day which made me feel really lethargic. Like a thick flog blanketing my mind. By 8pm I was half asleep on the sofa. The last thing that was on my mind was being intimate with Mr Nerd.
It was a vicious circle though. A roundabout that wouldn’t stop and let me off. The pain meds made me so drowsy and miserable but equally the pain did if I didn’t take them. I wasn’t giving Mr Nerd the attention he deserved so he didn’t feel wanted like he should but equally I don’t think he got what it was like for me. Sure he can see the scars but he didn’t go through the surgeries with me, help wash my hair or dress me when I couldn’t and see it when i couldnt even wash my hands properly. I still don’t think he does understand it fully.
Rather unsurprisingly that we got into a pretty bad place. Some mistakes were made during that dark time and I accept the part I played. Before you think it, I am not being a walk over and taking the blame for everything. I’m saying that there are 2 sides to every story and that I let my pain define my life.
The worst thing about dealing with chronic pain is not the pain itself. Its the constant, nagging feeling dragging you down. You might have good days but you are just waiting for the next bad one. The next bad day when all you want is to have someone cuddle you whilst you cry. That’s not what he signed up for.
The person you are gets a little lost, trapped inside a broken shell. How can I be the person really am, that nerdy, caring and often goofy person get out? I don’t want him to forget that person…